Husband wife roles in Islam. These are some very simple, practical, Divine guidelines on, not only on how to make our marriages work, but also insights into how a marriage can be a means of improving on our characters, spirituality and faith. It’s not only about ourselves, but it is about teamwork and building a loving, stable, successful family. Insha-Allah
With the name of Allah most Beneficient ever Merciful
1. Leadership in a Family
For any social structure to be successful there has to be one leader or head. Leadership cannot be shared. Two presidents of a country would never work. Similarly, in a family, one partner has to lead and the other, follow.
Islam teaches that the man is the head of the household and the women should listen to him.
“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (their husbands) absence what Allah would have them guard…. Al Quran 4:34
These are not arbitrary guidelines or rules. This is not a matter of discrimination of the sexes but it is a practical, logical matter based on who is best suited for the job and it is a solution for the problem of leadership in a family that is prescribed by Allah SWT. On the contrary this is the means to getting the very best out of our marriages.
Man’s nature is such that he is more suitable to rule the household. The following is an example to show how men and women think. In the building of a house, a man would concentrate on what is necessary and essential to a home, such as a durability and affordablity while a woman would think about the fineries, such as down lights, colors, curtains, porcelain tiles, granite tops and so forth.
This also comes through in the way the sexes dress. Men are practical and a man can probably wear the same outfit for his entire life but a woman has to have her beads, feathers and frills. Even if she has to suffer wearing an uncomfortable pair of shoes, she would do it because of style.
While men are boring because of their constant fix of the hormone testosterone and their set ways, women fluctuate between extreme highs and lows because of their changing hormones due to their menstrual cycle.
A man’s stability is the reason why he is entrusted with ruling the home. It is for this reason that only he can divorce his wife and it is for this reason that divorce must not be pronounced on the spot but it must gradually take effect over a period of time allowing the woman time to see things more clearly when she is at her peak.
A woman’s low is when she has her monthly courses and how knowingly the Prophet ﷺ has made it incorrect to divorce the wife when she has her monthly course, AL Hadis 1:27:20:140.
Her high is immediately after her courses when she is ready to conceive.
Even when it comes to religion, a man can be content with doing just the bare necessity while a woman can aspire to do far more.
2. Qualities of a good leader
Islam gives the man further guidance as to how to rule.
Obviously first up is that he has to rule according to Islam and his rule must be based on fairness and equity: “and women shall have rights similar to the rights against them according to what is equitable: but men have a degree over them and Allah is exalted in power wise. Al Quran Sura Al Bakara 2:228
Man’s nature is naturally such that he is the ruler in a household. Just as a king is infuriated by insolence from his subjects, so too will a man naturally react when a similar situation arises.
As the head of a household a man will sometimes come across a situation where the wife does not listen. He needs to be extremely careful at this point and exercise control otherwise he is going to make a rash decision.
Control is essential. Its important to take time to think and not take rash decisions. A good leader is one that can control himself. Yes he needs to take action but his actions must not so severe that it destroys his marriage. Instead his response must be a means of growing or improving on his marriage.
In any law there are always punitive methods in place to ensure the rule of law. In such situations the Holy Quran prescribes the following cause of action: “…As to those women on whose part you fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds (and last) beat them (Lightly): but if they return to obedience seek not against them means of (annoyance) for Allah is Most High, Great (above you all)” Al Quran 4:34
Note that divorce is not given as an option here. Before a husband can even resort to beating his wife lightly he has to first try the other options (including not sleeping with her). He has to suffer too.
On the part of the man self control is important and handling the situation according to Divine law is all important. This is what will grant us success in a marriage.
Even when it comes to giving a divorce, a man must never angrily shout our three divorces one after the other. This is not Islam. He must first try all of the above steps, including counseling and then (Allah Save us from this), if he must, he must give one divorce and wait a period of three months before giving the next.
When it was permitted for the husband to beat their wives then some of the women began to complain to the Prophet ﷺ about the harsh treatment that they were receiving from their husbands. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ responded by saying that:
‘… the most perfect believers are the best in conduct and the best of you are those who are best to their wives. Ibn Hanbal 7396.
A wise ruler does not use force and punishment but he uses tact and grace.
A warning. Abu Huraira RA reported God’s Messenger as saying, “Act kindly toward women, for they were created from a rib and the most crooked part of a rib is its top. If you attempt to straighten it you will break it, and if you leave it alone it will remain crooked; so act kindly towards women.” (Bukhari and Muslim.)
3. A good follower
A very important part of making a success of marriage is that a wife must listen to her husband. It is very difficult to do this espicially in our times of western influence, freedom and women’s lib.
The Prophet ﷺ has said that if I had to give anyone permission to bow down to someone else except Allah then I would have given the women permission to bow down to their husbands. Al Hadis 1:1:3:59
A women listening to her husband is really stressed here showing that this is crucial for a successful marriage. This is the challenge for the modern wife.
Sometimes a woman uses her charms to rule the household. People have coined the term “pillow mantra” to describe the way in which the wife rules her husband. Although such marriages may last they are not ideal because they can result in long term problems with other parts of society.
Such a family unit could end up having problems with neighbors and other families. The Prophet Muhammad Mustafa ﷺ has warned women by saying: “O womenfolk, you should give charity and ask much forgiveness for I saw you in bulk amongst the dwellers in hell. A wise lady amongst them said: Why is it messenger of Allah, that our folk are the bulk in hell? Upon this the Holy Prophet ﷺ observed: You curse too much and you are ungrateful to your spouses. I have seen none lacking in common sense and failing in religion but (at the same time) robbing the wisdom of the wise (influencing the husband) besides you…. Muslim 142.
By nature men are generally more tolerant and forgiving while women are renowned to be vindictive. There are plenty of proverbs to describe their vindictiveness and here is one: “Hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn.” This vindictiveness is a natural byproduct of their caring, nurturing natures and when they rule the house they could use their vindictiveness when dealing with those around them.
The Holy Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Alayhe Wasallam has asked them to never spurn the husband’s sexual advances and he mentioned this in his most important last sermon. Now when we understand how the different hormones of the sexes work then we would understand how extremely important this is. It’s a big no, no. A wife must never turn down her husband’s advances.
4. The importance of marriage
Marriage is the building block of society. Marriage is so important that the Prophet Muhammad Mustafa ﷺ has described the rights of a man and a woman during his most important last sermon Muslim 2803…
“O people, fear Allah concerning women. Verily you have taken them on the security of Allah and have made their persons lawful unto you by the words of Allah! Verily you have certain rights over your women and they have certain rights over you. It is incumbent on them to honor their conjugal rights (she should sleep with her husband if he asks her too.) and not to commit acts of impurity which if they do: You have the authority to chastise them, yet not severely. If your wives refrain from impurity and are faithful to you, clothe them and feed them suitably. Behold! Lay injunctions upon women but do it kindly.”
Although men have authority in their homes they cannot abuse their spouses but must instead strive to cultivate a relationship of love and mutual respect, and for the women, she must never spurn the husband’s advances.
Marriage a also a part of faith. At this point we can appreciate why the Holy Prophet Salalahu Alayhe Wasallam has said that marriage is half of faith. It’s teachings us lessons that will take us closer to our Lord.
What comes through so far is that both the husband and wife have to learn to exercise self-control over their carnal desires. This is gaining mastery over our carnal desires, it’s growing our personalities and characters and all this will eventually lead to us growing our faith or belief in Allah SWT. Insha-Allah.
And when we realise the wisdom behind these teachings with regards to marriage then we will begin to see that these teachings are indeed from Allah SWT, the all Wise.
5. Marriage in morden our times
We live in very challenging times and the proof of this is that divorce is spiraling out of control. Laws in most countries are no more based on religion but they are now based on man made laws.
Although these man-made laws are flawed, they are deceptively, portrayed and marketed as being very just and democratic.
The stress on personal, selfish freedoms over rides the skills and laws we need to build healthy relationships with others such as in a marriage.
In our present times, because of the lack of harsh punishments for breaking the law, crime has become rampant making life miserable. It’s more profitable to be a criminal.
So today’s man made laws will not allow a man to beat his wife or his child. It’s a criminal offense. Yet, it’s quite common to come across ex wives getting back at their ex husbands by not allowing them to see their children and they get away with this emotional torture of their ex. which is far worse that a physical beating.
So we must not think low of Divine laws (beating the wife lightly for doing wrong) that are established by our Creator. The emphasis of religion is primarily on family and not on the individual husband or wife.
Today, materialism, selfishness, making yoursel happy, is deceptively encouraged while family and love are downplayed. Today’s women are encouraged to be selfish, to pursue a career and independence and they are taught to look down on those women that nuture a family by being a housewife that’s subordinate to a husband.
Back to the first verse that we quoted. Women, in performing their natural roles of child bearing and child weaning obviously need support and this where team work comes in. Men and women should not think of themselves as individuals but rather strive towards getting married and living as a unit.
This is natural. So how rightly the Holy Quraan describes the man’s role as being one of maintaining the women. It’s her right because she cannot work when fulfilling her natural duties of child bearing.
Also, women are generally physically weaker than men and when they are a part of a family then the man must protect the women. Here again, Team work being stressed
Allah guides women towards family and not careers and material things. In nurturing a family is true joy, happiness and deep inner satisfaction.
6. Women and spirituality
In Islam a woman’s creativity is encouraged in a spiritual way.
To reach great heights we have to sometimes go through great lows. This is the wave of life. The sadder you are the happier you will be. Maybe you have heard parents of bygone days warning their children not to laugh too much because you will end up crying shortly.
It is these highs that can, if a woman uses it wisely, raise her to exceedingly high statuses in the spiritual arena. Unlike men that receive some sort of recognition for their spiritual achievements, women work from behind the “veil” and are seldom recognized at all.
It is only between them and Allah Subhanatallah. In studying great Islamic personalities you would hardly come across biographies of great women. Apart from biographies on Hazrath Rabia Basri (RA), there is nothing else. Perhaps this is so because she was a spinster and had no one else to be her veil.
There is this saying that behind every successful man there is a successful woman and when one studies the biographies of Prophets and successful Islamic saints then one is bound to quite often come across a line here and there showing the sublime influence of the mother, wife or daughter.
How ironic: Women who naturally love to show off, when spiritually inclined completely go off the radar. How pure: they do it solely for the pleasure of Allah Subhanatallah.
There are many Hadith that report on future happenings, even specific events pertaining to certain people that would take place on the Day of Reckoning.
Similarly, our Pir O Murshid RA has reported that through inspiration “ilhaam”, the saints of the past have reported an incident that is yet to take place.
On the day of reckoning footsteps would be heard and everyone would be asked to lower their eyes as Hazrath Bibi Fatima (RA), the “Khatoon of Jannath” (The Lady Of Heven) will be coming.
Allah Subhanatallah is the Master of all and He would never lower His gaze to anyone except Hazrath Bibi Fatima (RA) when she would ask Him as to why He asked for such a sacrifice from her son Hazrath Imaam Hussein (AS).
Allah Subhanatallah would not reply but instead ask her to ask for whatever she wants. She would ask for the pardoning of her father’s followers. Now this is an extremely high status if you read between the lines.
Recap: Husbands must guide their families on an Islamic path. He must be a wise, caring, loving leader especially when his rule is challenged. Punishments are there to make our relationships better and not to break them.
A wife must listen to her husband and never try to hurt him by refusing intermit relationships with him.
Conclusion: Both men and women have their advantages and drawbacks and both complement each other and when they work together as a team then it will bring about greater all round success. Insha-Allah.
Published by Anjuman e Waris e Mohammedi 2013. Edited in 2026. Author: Mohammad Hassan Gaffoor. WhatsApp: +27 84 910 1486
Such golden lessons about marriage and so much are seamlessly integrated into our unique everyday life story in our novel Doolhun The Bride. Click link below to listen to this audio novel.