Domestic disputes causes a lot of pain and suffering. In this article we look at solutions.
With the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Ever Merciful,
Domestic abuse has been around all through the ages and it occurs in all societies including ours. It causes a lot of physical and emotional pain especially in the young minds of children who really look up to their parents. Some children never recover from this deep pain and they are scarred for life growing up to ruin other lives in future. It is something that can be avoided if only we took the time off to try to understand why it takes place and how we can avoid it. We need to educate others, especially our children about it too so that we could help save people from going through a lot of pain and suffering.
According to the United Nations website: “Domestic abuse or violence”, can be defined as a pattern of behaviour in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. …”
This seems like a reasonable explanation to one major cause of domestic abuse but the sad part about all this is that, even such an international organisation, in our so called modern, advanced world, offers absolutely no solutions or no way forward to solving this great problem in society which devastates lives. Google it and check for yourself.
Basically, domestic violence, according to this definition, in other words is about who ‘calls the shots’ in a marriage. In order to gain control, any one (husband or wife) can use physical violence, mental abuse (nagging, insults, abusive language), or finances to try to subdue the partner so as to have his/her way. This power struggle can also end up in other ways apart from domestic violence – the couple could end in divorce and for the children of such couples, it is just as traumatic.
Let’s look at a typical, simplified scenario to understand why this problem comes about. The husband wants to maintain his contact with his parents and broader family into his married life so he can also take care of his parents but the wife wants to be completely independent to develop and create her own home and surroundings without any intervention from her in-laws or; – the wife wants a TV in the bedroom and the husband does not. Such situations, where both cannot get what they want, are points of conflict if no one backs down. What is the solution?
All praises belong to our Creator, Islam has a solution and it is one that comes from our all wise Creator who understands us best. Islam appoints the husband as the head of the household and the wife must listen to him and obey him. Problem solved, simple but effective! A couple does not have to fight over issues. The wife can have her say but what the husband decides is final.
“….. And women have their rights similar to their obligations in an equitable and just manner; yet men have a place above them. And Allah is All-Mighty, All-Wise.” Al Quran 2:228
Is it fair? Well if you looking at it from the perspective of two individuals then it is unfair but if you looking at it from the perspective of one couple, one family then, it not only makes perfect sense to have a single head, but it is also the wisest of ways, because a well organised family will be able to function better and achieve so much more. Having a head is being well organised.
Then the question arises: why the man and not the woman. Well someone has to do it and Allah SWT has chosen the man for this duty. It’s a command from Allah SWT and it’s not something that we humans have a choice about. However there is great wisdom and common sense in this but we not going down this line. The bottom line, having a head of the family is a major part in solving the problem of domestic abuse.
Punitive measures
The beauty of the Islamic solution to having a peaceful, healthy family life goes even further than just leadership. Any law has to come with punitive measures to ensure that the law is upheld. All governments have punitive measures to uphold its laws.
“… As for those women (on whose part) you apprehend disobedience and bad behaviour, you may admonish them (first lovingly) and (then) refuse to share their beds with them and punish them (mildly). If they, then, obey you, you shall seek no other way against them. Indeed, Allah alone is High, (and) Great.” AlQuran 4:34
So too, Islam allows punitive measures for the husband to take in the event of his wife not listening. First up, he can refuse to share his wife’s bed for up to a month as a disciplinary measure but she, on the other hand, is not allowed to do this even for one night.
If this fails then he is also allowed to beat his wife lightly (there are limits to this), will discuss towards end. Then, as a last resort in terms of punitive measures the husband has two warning divorces to show just how serious he is.
Self control in marriage
Islamic teachings go even further. It gives more details on marriage and how the husband and wife should conduct themselves in their different roles. The Holy Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, has said that:
“marriage is half of faith.”
Marriage being linked to FAITH is huge. Marriage is therefore sacred, not something to be taken lightly. So marriage is not about gratifying our lusts but it is a means of making ourselves better, more enlightened people, it’s about learning to accommodate others and to work with them to build successful relationships which would ultimately lead to love, inner fulfilment and peace.
With regards to the wife, the Holy Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, has said that if I had to give permission to anyone to bow down to someone else then I would give permission to the wife to bow down to her husband. There is absolutely nothing wrong in being someone that is able to listen to others and follow instructions.
On the contrary it is an extraordinary ability of a highly evolved personality. It is the first step towards higher learning, wisdom and understanding. Self-control, or controlling our carnal desires is making us masters of ourselves and the wife is learning to control this urge to be the boss. This, in the long run, is true liberation because if frees us from greed, spite, jealousy and so forth and it opens up the doors to learning.
For the man his challenges are different but it also boils down to the same lesson, self-control. It starts off even before marriage. The Holy Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, has advised men to choose wives based on piety and not on beauty, wealth or nobility. Doing this amounts to having control over our choices and not just allowing our passions or greed to dictate the choices we make.
Who is the boss is one thing but we forget that leadership does not come with a title only, but it also comes with a whole lot of responsibility. It’s not about TVs and houses only but it is also about how our children grow up. Now that’s scary because so many children end up drug addicts or…..
So, although the husband has control, he still has to lead his family on the path of truth and justice which is basically an Islamic lifestyle. This Islamic lifestyle is also a very important part of the solution to domestic abuse. As an example drugs and alcohol use is also a major contributing factor to domestic abuse and intoxicants are forbidden in Islam. This problem is solved too by Islam. WHO missed this important factor of the role of intoxicants completely in their analysis of domestic abuse. So a husband is not free to do as he pleases either but he is bound to do the right thing.
Misuse of authority is also abuse. If a husband has to do justice to the authority he is entrusted with by Allah SWT, then he has to control his anger especially when his authority is in question. This is difficult. Imagine a child looking at you with disdain when you trying to teach him something important. Beating up the wife senselessly and giving her three divorces at one time is being out of control. Being harsh and going overboard in terms of beating the wife will be an even greater loss in that her heart could be completely shattered. The holy Prophet, Peace be upon him, has said that the women was made from the crooked rib of man and if you treat her too harshly in trying to straighten her up you could break her completely.
Islam and marriage is about constructive building of characters and not destroying hearts simply to have our way. Islam teaches us to care and want for others what we would want for ourselves. No one wants to be abused so we must not abuse our spouses.
A husband has to win hearts so that his flock is innately good. This amounts to explaining and educating well before taking punitive measures. People need to understand and appreciate why things are done in a certain way so that they comply from the bottom of their hearts. So husbands need to be Islamically educated so that they could guide the family along the proper route.
When this verse about beating women was revealed a few women complained to the Holy Prophet, peace be upon him about the way their husbands treated them, so he gathered his companions and said,
“the best of you is he who is best to his family.”
It’s about control and balance. In taking punitive measures a husband cannot jump the gun to give three divorces at one time. Explaining comes first, then if this does not work, separate beds and so forth.
Judging from the above hadith the Holy Prophet SAW disliked that a woman be treated violently. He never hit any of his wives but once he separated beds from them for a whole month.
Islam also teaches different roles for the different sexes and this is the glue that bonds people together. In the materialistic times we live in, we also push our daughters towards a career instead of teaching them to be domesticated and to play the most important role of nurturing the children. When a woman earns she can be more independent, and in the event of a domestic argument, she can more likely, out of pride and knowing that she can earn and be self sufficient, she can more easily be insolent or throw in the trowel. What we forgetting is that although men and women are different they need each other, they complement each other, they fulfil each other, they together, make a complete unit, it is in being together amicably that one can find peace, solace and fulfilment.
When we overcome problems amicably then there are huge rewards to be gained because we solved a problem, learnt valuable lessons and became wiser. This is what life and marriage is all about. It’s never easy no matter which way we go. Running away from problems is no solution – we have to solve them. If we manage to build a loving home, Alhamdulillah. This is not only a great achievement in terms of this world but it is also a great step in getting close to our Creator.
In no way is Islam degrading women or denying them equality. It’s about solutions and finding a way that works best. When the Holy Prophet, peace be upon him was asked, who is the person we should take care of first, he replied “your mother” and when asked who next he replied “your mother”. He said this three times after which he said your father. He is also reported to have said that paradise lies at the feet of your mother. In this way the role of a women is raised far above that of a man and women rightly deserve this special spot because they work so hard and make so much sacrifices for their family.
As parents we need to guide our children properly. To our daughters we need to teach them to listen to and follow their husband. Fathers have that special spot for their daughters and they need to be careful not to take their daughters part without thinking. To our sons we need to teach them to be loving towards their spouses and children and to always teach them and lead them in the best possible way.
Peace and salutations be upon Allah’s Messengers who are responsible for guiding humanity throughout time. Ameen.