The “mendi” has not faded off the brides hand but she is back at her parent’s home, divorced. Today the couple is lovingly holding hands and tomorrow they are separated. It’s time to look at how we can build Successful Marriages.
With the name of Allah most Beneficient ever Merciful.
This is the sad story of our marriages today. There are many different reasons for divorce but if we back track them all then they come up to a common root cause – we are drifting away from our religion by becoming superficial people seeking only to gratify our carnal desires.
There is so much more to marriage. According to the Holy Quran marriage is “a solemn (sacred, holy) contract (between the couple)” Al Quran 4:21.
It not just about sex and good times only but it is something that has great religious value. Furthermore it is the building block and foundation of society wherein children are nutured and groomed. It’s therefore not something that should be taken lightly
The Prophet ﷺ has said that “marriage is half of faith” Al Hadis 2:27:1:377w implying that marriage is not about having fun and good times only, but it is more importantly a means of bettering oneself spiritually so as to get closer to our Creator. It is not about appeasing our desires only but on the contrary, it is a means of advancing us spiritually as well.
Of the many different types of relationships that a person will encounter throughout life, marriage is one of those few, and for many, the only intimate relationship in which a person gets to share not just their bodies but gradually their very innermost beings.
For a marriage to be successful it therefore is not about looks and appearances, it is not about money and wealth, but more importantly, it is about the character and spiritual natures of the couple.
The romance, which is based on physical looks lasts a short while and for the couple to continue living together there has to be more to the equation. Abu Huraria (RA) reports: The Apostle of Allah ﷺ said with regards to a husband: “When you are sought in marriage by one whom you are pleased with for his religion and for his character, get yourself married to him. If you do not do it, then there would be distress in the world and widespread dissension.” Al Hadis vol 2:27:2:9
With regards to seeking a wife the Prophet ﷺ has said: “A woman is married for four things – for her property, for her accomplishments, for her beauty and for her religion. Select one having religious temperament…” Al Hadis vol 2:27:2:7.
Thus we see that our religion teaches us to choose a person with a good religious character because it is such people that will have the patience to work towards building a successful relationship. We must not seek skin deep superficial beauty but deep inner beauty.
Not only must we seek such companionship we must also strive to be religiously and spiritually inclined as well instead of being worldly as this would help to make a success of, not only our marriage but all aspects of our life. Insha-Allah.
In a marriage the couple is most certainly going to face problems and sometimes these problems would seem insurmountable at that point. When one goes into a marriage thinking that it is a bed of roses then they are psychologically ill prepared to tackle the problems that are bound to arise.
This nirvana notion about marriage is a recipe for disaster and unhappiness. On the other hand if we expect hardships and difficulties then we are mentally prepared to tackle problems. If one is aware that he is about to face difficulties then he would begin to pray to Allah Subhanatallah to help him and guide him through the difficulties ahead.
This kind of cautious attitude to our marriages would build in us reliance in Allah Subhanatallah and humility in that we are imperfect and seeking Allah’s perfect aid.
With problems comes having to apologize and to admit that one is at fault and this is not the easiest of things to do because it hurts our egos, yet it is the proper thing to do, for not only can it save our marriages and save us far greater embarrassment, but this act of humbly apologizing helps us to refine our characters, purify our souls and stand up for the truth even if it is against ourselves. Subhanatallah.
Quite often a person would have to make compromises and be tolerant to their partner’s faults and sometimes even having to accept living with their partner’s faults for the rest of their lives. Such people realise the imperfections within themselves and treasure the concept of doing unto others what they would like others to do unto them.
Agreeing to live by Islamic laws would solve the problem of determining who is right and who is wrong. Whenever there is a difference of opinion then the couple should find out what Islam teaches and use that as the yardstick to determine who is right. In this way we develop faith in Allah Subhanatallah and allow His way to permeate every facet of our lives.
Most of us do not realise the capabilities and potential that we humans have. Our internal, unspoken feelings are powerful and they can influence the outcome of a problem. If we are going through a problem and we harbor ill feelings and hatred for our spouse during this phase then we influence the outcome negatively.
In this way marriages tend to fall apart long before the actual divorce words are spoken. It is therefore far better to exercise patience in times of troubles and to instead pray to Allah Subhanatallah for His help and to pray for our spouse’s wellbeing and enlightenment.
By this kind of attitude we are moving in a positive direction. This attitude teaches us to have tolerance, patience, deliberation and it opens up a door for us to reflect on how, perhaps, we could better ourselves in order to solve the problem.
The Prophet ﷺ has said: “There is no patient man but possesses power….” Al Hadith 1:6:13:162 and he ﷺ is also reported to have said: “Patience is half of faith” Al Hadith 1:6:13:145w
Never in such times resort to cursing our spouses and giving in to the feeling of wanting to opt out. Giving three divorces at once is hasty and giving into our egos. It is un-islamic. Of all evil, Shaitaan holds the causing of “fitna” or dissension amongst people the greatest and of this he treasures most causing divorce.
Marital problems are best to sort out without outside interference as far as possible.
Displaying our spouse’s dirty laundry for all to see is embarrassing for him/her. Instead one must be a cover for our spouse’s faults.
“They (your spouse) are (a sort of) garment for you and you are (a sort of garment for them.” Al Quran 2:187
Just as clothes covers and protects us so too should a spouse cover and protect their partner.
Quite often major problems are the result of suspicion and conjecture and instead of jumping to conclusions we should allow our spouses to explain themselves and when they do, we will be surprised at how wrongly we thought of them.
The flaws we saw in them were not actually theirs but ours. From this we would learn that life is full of myriad ways and we should not wear blinkers by resorting to conjecture, but have an open mind.
We must not easily dispel other people’s thoughts, views and actions as being wrong but rather we must give them the benefit of the doubt. “If you take a dislike to them, it may be that you dislike a thing through which Allah brings about a great deal of good to you.” Al Quran 3:19
The Prophet ﷺ has said that if you see something in your wife that you dislike then look towards something in her that pleases you Al Hadis 1:1:3:49.
Although so simple, this is such a wonderful way of building relationships because it focuses on the positives instead of the negatives.
In the event of a couple not being able to resolve their problems then they must seek help and advice from people that they can trust yet not people that blindly love them because such people would tend to take their sides and not give unbiased advice.
In every marriage a solution is possible if the people involved seek a just solution. “But if you apprehend a breach between the two (a man and his wife) then appoint one arbiter from his people and one arbiter from her people; if the two have a mind to effect reconciliation, Allah will bring it about between them. Verily, Allah is All-Knowing, All-Aware.” Al Quran 4:35
Will say it again. If we sincerely seek reconciliation, Allah will bring this about.
Instead of being selfish we should take care of each other’s needs for The Prophet ﷺ has said that: “It is incumbent on them (women) to honor their conjugal rights (she should sleep with her husband if he asks her too) and if she does not, then the Prophet ﷺ says that if a husband sleeps unhappy then the angels curse the wife until the next morning. Al Hadis 1:1:3:54
Only by understanding the nature of men and women would we be able to appreciate how deep and grand this tradition of the Prophet ﷺ is. Man is the one that takes the lead in such relationships and he is the one more easily aroused and sometimes a woman cannot appreciate a man’s needs because she does not experience such feelings. Her hormones are different.
Such passionate feelings are the glue that holds a marriage together and they should be encouraged instead of being stifled by rebuttals. A wife’s refusal is used as a tool to get back at her husband for some reason.
At the same time a man must also be gentle and caring. We can learn a lot by studying successful cases. In our recent past, people hardly divorced and it is wise to study their relationships to see why they were successful.
Surprisingly this older generation never held hands or kissed in front of their children. Their love and fondness for each other was never on display. They had this weird respect for each other that they would not call each other by their names. Even more surprising is the fact that they did not fall in love at first but most of them met by arrangement.
There was no courting even after they were proposed. Their fondness for each other was not instant nor was it based on superficial looks such as skin color or good features but instead it gradually grew from getting to know the person from the inside with all their shortcomings.
Their relationship was not love based on looks and lust but it was the fruits of their patience and perseverance. Their relationship was carefully nurtured and cared for until the flowers of love bloomed and the fruits grew.
We today are infatuated with our partners first and then get to know them while they got to know their spouses first and then loved.
Ironically, we see that the minor problems that we encounter in our marriages are actually blessings in disguise for they make us richer in character and experience and transform us into better people. Nurturing our marriages helps us to develop ourselves and strengthen our faith.
Bailing out of a marriage by divorce is no solution. Apart from not solving a problem it quite often leads to far more complicating problems especially if there are children involved.
May Allah grant us all patience and love in our marriages. Ameen.
Peace and Salutations upon Muhammad Sallallahu Alayhe Wasallam
Published by Anjuman e Waris e Mohammedi. Author: Mohammad Hassan Gaffoor. WhatsApp: +27 84 910 1486
Read a related article ; The Three Divorces.
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